My principles

I believe in approaching end-of-life planning with a light-hearted touch, while still acknowledging the importance of emotional support and understanding.

Thoughtful Content

Clear Pointers

Humour and Compassion

I provide practical tips and resources to help you navigate the various aspects of 'death-proofing', ensuring a smoother process for you - and later - your loved ones.

My articles, blog posts, and podcasts are carefully crafted to provoke thought and provide valuable insights, helping you make informed decisions about your final exit plan.

My inspiration

Not So Grave was created in 2024, a year after my father died suddenly and unexpectedly. His death was, for me, the first really close family member, but it was also the first time I was an Executor in a Will. In this instance, managing everything to do with his estate fell to me alone. It was much harder than I thought, not least because of the huge hole he had left in my life and the resulting grief I felt.

During this time I continued working, raising my own children, and supporting my mother who, after fifty years of marriage, of course felt his loss even more keenly than me. On the upside, I had the love and compassion of my wife, my friends and wider family. My brother was hugely supportive in terms of practical and emotional help, as were my bosses who allowed me time when I needed it. I am very grateful to all of them.

This got me thinking

There are many government and charity resources you can access when you suffer a bereavement. In fact, there's a huge amount to help you whether financially or practically. But you are dealing with things as they are, not as you would wish them to be. The Deceased Estate is in whatever position the person who died left it in - not just financially, but in terms of organisation, paper trails, traceability of accounts, instructions, wishes...

Luckily my Dad - clever and thoughtful man that he was - had left instructions, and a list of all the accounts. This made it so much easier for me in contacting institutions. It wasn't perfect, because he hadn't updated everything (as he hadn't expected to suddenly die of a massive heart attack). But what if he hadn't thought to do it at all? Throughout the process, I was struck how there was not a single combined, impartial, free resource online that helps YOU prepare before YOU die. Almost everything online is focused on helping those who have to pick up the pieces. But - to be honest - that's too late. The die is already cast. The chips have fallen. The Estate is what it is, and dead men and women tell no tales.

Everything in one place

Of course, there are hundreds of financial institutions and smaller companies that will sell you wills, life insurance policies, funeral planning arrangements and so on - but each is narrowly focused on a specific area of death planning - and they are most certainly not impartial! And they won't help you prepare practically by organising all your affairs, or emotionally by making peace with people, or being there for your children even after your death....

This lack of a 'one-stop resource shop' also got me thinking. What if I didn't die (yet!), but - through illness or accident - I was unable to take decisions about my finances or health? How much harder would my wife or children find it if they weren't able to make decisions on my behalf about my care, or with regards to assets in my name, or didn't know the accounts even existed?

Every angle covered

Finally, it isn't just about the financial or practical steps you can take to ensure your loved ones get an easier ride of managing without you. I also wanted to help you prepare emotionally - not just for the benefit of your loved ones but things that benefit you now while you are still alive (things like letters, videos, sharing joy …or even apologies).

And this is why Not So Grave exists. I hope you find it useful and it helps you to be better prepared for what comes to all of us. You will not be here to hear them say it, but those that you love will, in time, be thanking you.

Thank you for visiting my website. Feel free to reach out to me on any topic you've seen here, I'll be happy to listen.

Me, my wife and my dad on our wedding day

I came up with the name when trying to think about how we might consider a topic that's incredibly serious (and what's more serious than death?) and treat it more lightly, with humour, even.

Most of us have heard of the word 'grave' in the context of 'serious'. For example, a doctor might say that a patient is "in a grave condition". A person delivering bad news might be said to "wear a grave expression". A ex-soldier might recount how his under-fire platoon was "in grave danger". And so on.

But where does the word 'grave' originate?

Well, interestingly, there are two unrelated roots. Firstly, we have the noun, which comes from the Old English (pre-1150) græf "grave, ditch, cave,", which comes from Proto-Germanic graf "grave, trench, ditch, cave", which in turn comes from Proto-Indo-European *ghrebh- (“to dig, scratch, scrape”).

But then we also have the adjective. This is unrelated and comes from the Middle French word grave, which means "having authority, weighty, heavy", and in turn comes from the Latin word gravis, which means "heavy, oppressive, serious".

Shakespeare really got it

It's interesting how two root words with somewhat negative, but different, connotations converge into the same word. The ability to pun on this was not lost on the Great Bard himself. In Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare writes the following compelling exchange between Romeo and his forever-joking friend Mercutio, who lies dying from a stab wound in a needless swordfight which he tried to break up:

Where did the name "Not So Grave" come from?

ROMEO
Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.

MERCUTIO
No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man.
I am peppered, I warrant, for this world.
A plague o' both your houses!

Of course, grave on the one hand means 'serious'. But Mercutio, witty to the last, really means that you shall soon find him dead and buried. The key here is that Mercutio could face death with a wry smile (although he did curse both Romeo and his nemesis Tybalt, to be fair!).

And returning to the French root, in fact today if you make a faux pas while in Paris, or bump into someone getting off the Metro, you might say "Pardon!" and you might hear the reply, "C'est ne pas grave!" (or "C'est pas grave" for short); literally, "It's not serious" but best translated as "It doesn't matter" or "It's no big deal".

It's that last sentiment I really like. Because this site is about using your time, now and wisely, to face the prospect of your death head on - and take action. And doing that really is no big deal. Dying itself is - but this site is about ensuring when the time comes, your affairs are all in order.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
Winnie the Pooh

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